They Steal Your Soul...

So Paul and I have now been married for two years. Thank you, thank you. They say the first two years are the hardest, right? Living in newly-wed bliss can really take a toll on you. Well, in those two years of marriage, Paul and I have generated some pretty crazy bedtime stories. By that I mean, really weird things happen in the middle of the night. Don't worry, this isn't kinky.

SEIZURES:
All newly-married couples have to get used to sharing a bed, but I think Paul had a harder time of it than anybody else. When we first got married Paul would wake me up in the middle of the night because he was shaking. At first I thought he was having seizures, because the bed would shake so terribly, but by the time I woke up and was conscious enough to know what was going on, Paul was sleeping peacefully again, as if nothing had happened. I would always panic and make sure he was breathing, then watch him for a while to make sure he was okay. This happened probably four or five times before I decided I was just going to stay up and watch him sleep to see what was going on.

Well I only made it an hour or so before I dozed off as well, but it was one of those half-awake/half-asleep kind of dozes. I rolled over on the bed and in the process placed my arm around Paul (I know, it's sweet). As soon as I touched him, Paul jumped straight up, his body super stiff and trembling. He threw my arm off (pretty hard), turned his body away, and went peacefully back to sleep. So it turns out Paul wasn't having seizures, he was just scared of me.

When I told him about it the next morning he, of course, didn't remember any of it. He has since stopped throwing my arms or pushing me away in the middle of the night, and he hasn't had any jumping episodes in quite a while.

Just as a side note: Paul is incredibly afraid of spiders, especially at night. So he claims that he thought my arm was a giant spider arm, thus justifying (in his mind) violently, albeit unconsciously, throwing me across the bed.

VAMPIRES:
Well that was the craziest bedtime story we had in our marriage, until Wednesday night. At about 2:30 in the morning Paul woke me up from a deep and tranquil sleep by whispering, "Wendy, I had a nightmare about vampires."

He sounded like a two-year old, whispering and huddled in his blankets. He was authentically scared. I mumbled back, "Paul, there are no such thing as vampires." What's really funny about all of this is that I wasn't really phased by it. It was just another normal thing that my husband should be scared of vampires.

He whispered back, "But the dream was really scary." He then proceeded to tell me about his dream. Something about vampires chasing him into a church and tricking him into leaving the chapel so they could get him. His dreams always involve some battle of wits, it's just that Paul usually wins. This time I guess the vampires outsmarted him.

So he continued, "All I need you to do is tell me I'm being ridiculous and then I can go back to sleep." So I said, "Paul, you're being ridiculous." It didn't work.

Paul continued, "But it was so realistic. And how do you know they're not in our house right now?" Paul then peeks under the bed to make sure they're not lurking underneath, just to spring on us the second we turn our backs. He continues: "But I guess they can't come in your house unless you invite them in. Right?"

Then me: "Right. Listen, Paul, there are no such thing as vampires. I know because I read the book."
Paul: "You don't know that!"
Wendy: "Yes I do, I told you, I read 'Dracula' like three times."
Paul: "Yeah, but...they steal your soul."
Wendy: "No they don't. Well, I guess they kind of do. But there are no such thing as vampires!"
Paul: "Do you promise?"
Wendy: "Cross my heart...and yours."

Paul then literally jumped. Apparently I said "and yours" in a really creepy voice. I wasn't exactly trying to scare him, but it was pretty funny. Suddenly all my work at trying to appease him was obliterated. He whisper-yelled, "Don't do that! I'm really freaked out right now!"

I realized at this point that there was no talking him out of the "fact" that vampires exist, so I just reassured him that we had locked all the doors, and there were no vampires in our house, that we hadn't invited them in and we wouldn't, and I told him to pray that he wouldn't have any more vampire nightmares, and I fell asleep again.
I think he stayed awake for at least another half hour, and the next day, though we laughed about it, he still wasn't convinced that there weren't vampires in our house.

It's a funny story, for sure, and as long as Paul doesn't drape garlic around our bed and sleep with a wooden stake under his pillow, I think we'll be fine.